Buried within the Deep Fried FAQ you will find answers to the kind of insightful, probing questions that strip back the superficial outer layers of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's corporate management and reveal the truth about this segment of Industrial America's actual agenda. The DFF is not for the faint hearted so before you call your lawyers and sue us, please read the Deep Fried FAQ Eye Test and Small Print Disclaimer below:
    The Deep Fried FAQ (hereafter known as the DFF) is the concept of several members of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society (hereafter known as the LTT&HS) and is for the entertainment of incidental readers only. The inclusion of any information or links in the DFF does not constitute endorsement of the included information or links by the LTT&HS or it's members nor does the content of the DFF represent the opinions of the LTT&HS officers ( well, maybe sometimes) or their families, the membership of LTT&HS or their families, any other members of the Railroad industry in general or their families, the Management of Lackawanna Terminal Railway (hereafter known as the LT), their employees, their vendors, the vendor's employees, the LT's customers, their vendors and employees, any local, state, and federal employees of any railroad regulatory agencies that have anything to do with the LT or the LTT&HS, its successors, and/or assigns, and their families, inclusive. All material submitted for inclusion in the DFF becomes the immediate property of the LTT&HS to be used and distributed at will without reimbursement to the contributor in any shape, form, or manner. The Management of the LT and the LTT&HS reserves the right to edit all submissions for content and length. All logos are the property of their respective owners.  would like to thank all who contributed to this fine tome.

1. Is it true that a member of the Lackawanna  Terminal's  Management Team was seen cavorting in the parking lot of the gay bar across the street from the Intermodal Yard?

No, that is not true. The word cavorting, used improperly in this case, casts dispersions on the true nature of the proceedings being held on that day. Early in the history of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway it was discovered that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Human Resources needed a satellite facility in which to interview potential employees. This new facility needed to be located near to where the employees would, eventually, be working. Since part of the interview process was to take the applicant to the Lackawanna Terminal Intermodal yard to properly determine the suitability of the applicant for the job applied for the need for an Human Resources center across the street from the yard was deemed essential. The only building that was available at the time was in an establishment that was used for the entertainment of "couples of like temperament". Our satellite office was set up in a back room at this facility. What has been erroneously perceived to be "cavorting" was simply a celebration of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Human Resources Department's hiring of their first "multi-minority" employee; cause enough for celebration we feel. All pictures that were taken of the celebration that day were subsequently destroyed when the building was torched by a disgruntled applicant that was deemed unworthy of employment with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway..

2. Is it true that the presidents of other regionals and shortlines are consulted on a regular basis as to the best way to solicit new  business?

Since we are obviously a profit making corporation, this could not  possibly be true.

3. Do you treat your employees with as much contempt as other railroads treat theirs?

No one could treat their employees with that much contempt.

4. Do really expect me to believe that?

No.

5. Okay then, what about the time the cops raided the Transvestite Bar over by the engine house, and you had to bail out the Chief  Mechanical Officer and the purchasing agent?

Both the CMO and purchasing agent are heterosexual, of different sexes, and both are married (although to other partners). The bar portion of the facility was, is, and will be considered "off the property" and both the CMO and the purchasing agent were off duty at the time the bar was raided. Both parties received the proceeds from a previously arranged low interest loan at the time of  their arraignment  that just happened to coincide with the amount of bail.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team considers the matter closed at this time.

6. How do you explain the " leave of absence " taken by the office manager the March after the Christmas party, and when she returned that next November with a baby, the MOW Super, a bachelor, sold his house and Corvette, and now lives in a furnished  room and drives a Yugo. Explain that, FAQ Man.

The Lackawanna Terminal is unaware of any wrong doing by the MOW Superintendent and no charges were ever filed against him. He has  since been transferred to a mountain top microwave relay site at an  undisclosed location. The site has no telephone or mailing address. The office manager has since been promoted to General Administrator, a  job created by the company with no duties or responsibilities. The  blonde haired, blue eyed, female baby was adopted by a couple from the Middle East who flew back to their small North African country as soon as the adoption papers were signed and hasn't been heard from since.

The Lackawanna Terminal considers the matter closed.

7. How do you explain how the guy who runs the verification and  crew caller office wound up in a hospital in Pittsburgh and the company  car in a wrecking yard in Altoona after the party to celebrate the retirement of  the CFO ( chief financial officer) and then the company is named as a correspondent in the divorce of the CFO and his wife, who was last  seen with the guy who runs, or ran, the verification and crew caller  office?

The answer is really quite simple:

Following the retirement party for the CFO (chief financial officer)  the guy who runs the verification and crew caller office drove to Altoona for a conference of the "Guys Who Run the Verification and Crew Caller Office Professional Association". Unfortunately, the  company car he was driving while he was attending the company  sponsored seminar was stolen at gun point and, during a high speed chase with the dedicated policemen from Altoona, the car was struck  and destroyed by an out of control tractor trailer hauling steel scrap to a container port in New Jersey to be shipped to China to be made into a new model automobile which was to be sold in America. The car was a total write off and  was towed to the wrecking yard in Altoona to be sold for scrap, to be trucked to a container port in New Jersey...

During the car jacking, the guy who runs the verification and crew  caller office was shot in the head  and severely brain damaged. He required emergency medical care that he could only get at a hospital in Pittsburgh. He is expected to recover and will be given a promotion  in recognition of the sacrifices he has made for the company. When he  returns to Scranton, he will be seated in his wheel chair and positioned in a conspicuous "area of honor" in the entrance foyer to greet visitors. To further honor him, a flower pot, filled with nasturtiums, will be placed on his lap. He should make a lovely display for those touring the facilities.

The reason that the wife of the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) was last seen with the guy who runs the verification and crew caller office was simply that the guy who runs the verification and crew caller office was giving the car, which belongs to the wife of the CFO (Chief Financial  Officer), a jump start as her car battery had died while she was attending the  retirement party.

The management of the  Lackawanna Terminal Railway finds this an entirely innocent encounter.

The company is named as a correspondent in the divorce proceedings between the CFO (Chief  Financial Officer) and his wife is because she claims (through her lawyer) that it was his excessive hours at work (her words) that were the main cause of the breakup of their marriage. The management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the dedication of it's employees to be their most endearing trait and one of the main reasons the company  has done so well against great competition. Lackawanna Terminal  Railway management expects nothing less from our other employees.

8. And I suppose that you'd be the first to say that Epic brakes are good. And that Mid-Town Neglect is convenient. I'll bet your excuse  writers used to work for Bill Clinton. They sure are good.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway does not use the Epic Brake on any of our locomotives. However, our Mechanical Department has been in contact with other railroads to garner information as to the reliability of the Epic Brake. New Jersey Transit's mechanical people tell us they cannot find any fault with the Epic system. When asked if they have received any complaints from the engineers who use the Epic on a daily basis, they replied that the engineers on New Jersey Transit have nothing but praise for the new system and that they have received no complaints. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway management considers the mechanical department employees of New Jersey Transit to be experts in the workings of the Epic Brake and if they report no flaws in the system then there are no flaws in the system.

We were curious about your reference the Mid-Town Direct service (mis-spelled Mid-Town Neglect in your correspondence) so we called New Jersey Transit Customer Relations and they reported that all their customers love the new service and no complaints have been received. They also referred us to a major commuter coalition group for further comment. The group's spokesman said they thought the service was a great leap forward in commuter convenience and service and couldn't understand why anyone would refer to the service in a derogatory manner.

Bill Clinton cannot afford the services of our apologists.

9. Hey, Mr. "You make Teflon look like sand paper":

You've got damage control and image laundering down to a science. Now then, how do you explain, that after a concerned citizen, while driving innocently along, spots a tank car full of  Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid, gently leaking on a siding, that:

A. The tank car disappears into the bowels of National Chemical and Refining,  reappearing months later, obviously re-numbered.

B. The EPA guy, called to investigate a potential ecological catastrophe, suddenly has a seaside condo at the Jersey shore, and a BMW 840I turbo;

C. His wife gets a body sculpture from a Park Ave. plastic surgeon so extensive that nobody recognizes her with her clothes off except the surgeon, a credit card from Nieman-Marcus with no limit, and she gets a BMW 535;

D. The EPA guy's daughter gets a nose job and braces, a Bloomingdale's credit card with a $50,000 limit, and a BMW 325I convertible;

E. The EPA guy's son gets a Porsche "get out of my way or you're dead, RED" C-4, and a lifetime contract with Fair Oaks to deal with chronic nose bleed and sneezing.

The answer is quite simple.

The "concerned citizen, innocently driving along" was, in fact, a trespassing saboteur for a competing chemical company backed by eastern European interests. He was arrested by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Police Department and remains in custody while being interrogated by department's chief of interrogation, Lt. Marcus Sade. We now know that his report of a leaking tank car was designed to create false bad publicity for the National Chemical and Refining Corporation and that the leak was, in fact, nothing more than pure spring water which the saboteur poured over the car to make it appear as if there was a dangerous leak.

The tank car was renumbered at the request of the tank car leasing company to avoid further bad publicity.

As a company concerned with the possible waste of taxpayers dollars, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway offered to pay for the EPA agent's wages and expenses while he was engaged in investigating potential pollution on the New Jersey shoreline unrelated to any problems erroneously reported at the NC and R facility. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway graciously offered the use of a vehicle leased for that purpose by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

As to the activities of the EPA agent's family, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management was not aware that the Environmental Protection Agency paid their employees so well. We are as concerned as any about the high cost of government as expressed in wages and benefits, especially family medical benefits, paid to government employees. At the same time, we are also aware that purchases at both Bloomingdales and  Nieman-Marcus are of quality consumer goods which will last a lifetime and are therefore to be considered intelligent purchases. Likewise, BMW and Porsche automobile purchases are considered money well spent.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

10. This is getting a little far-fetched, isn't it? You guys on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team sure have some vivid imaginations. Maybe you've been drinking too much of that bottled water the railroad supplies us with. I think it is laced with some kind of mind altering substance.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team thanks you for your concern in this matter. Having received your letter, we performed quality control tests on a tank car load of the drinking water supplied by the fine people at New Jersey Transit through our dear friends at the National Chemical and Refining Corporation. You will be pleased to know that the water tested was found to be the quality of pure spring water. The chemists at NC and R indicated that they could improve the water to provide the mind altering reactions you were concerned about. The management of NC and R considers the project worthy and has given it a top priority.

11. Ok, Mr. " I have an answer to everything ":

How do you explain that whenever the EPA and or the DEP people come to inspect the facilities of National Chemical and Refining:

A. They never get into the plant proper to make their inspections.

B. That they always end up in an LT company car.

C. Usually, within 2 or 3 days of their intended visit, there is a glowing report in the local papers praising NC&R for its commitment to environmental responsibility.

Due to the ever changing requirements of the chemical industry, environmental concerns, and upgrading the facilities for a more efficient operation, the plant is under constant renovation and new construction. Consequently, entrances to the plant are closed to visitors at various times during the day. It is unfortunate that sometimes this causes inconvenience for inspectors who may arrive to view the facilities. To partially make up for this inconvenience, the NC and R Corporation provides facilities for the inspectors to interview selected employees at our Conference Center located some distance from the plant. To ensure the safety of the inspectors, transportation to the Conference Center is graciously provided by the NC and R Corporation at the company's expense. Sometimes the interviews can take several days (in order to ensure an inspection is properly competed, all night sessions with these selected employees are usually necessary).

Inspectors from the EPA and DEP always leave the Conference Center satisfied that the NC and R Corporation is operating with the safety of it's employees and the environment as it's most cherished concern.

D. What is Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid, and how/what is it used for?

Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid is a chemical developed in the laboratories of National Chemical and Refining. While the name sounds ominous, in reality, it is an additive in eye drops for infants. The full CBR suits worn by the plant workers involved in it's production are merely a precaution and are not indicative of any danger to the employees. There is no truth to the rumor that the United States Government considers a tank car of Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid to be a Weapon of Mass Destruction nor does the armed members of Seal Team Two accompanying the shipment have any significance whatsoever.

E. Why is it left lying around in leaky tank cars?

The "tank cars" you refer to are not tank cars at all but are used Nuclear Fuel Transportation Vessels which the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has purchased from the United States Nuclear Regulatory Agency at a discounted price. What you refer to as "leaking" is simply condensation which forms on the outside of the vessel due to the enormous heat generated by the chemical within the vessel. The fact that the railroad uses such a vessel must not be construed to mean that there is any danger of any kind to the employees of the LT, NC and R, or anyone near the railroad while the chemical is being transported.

12. Well, Mr. " I run a clean, tight, operation":

We have discovered inconsistencies in your explanations/excuses about a particular HAZ-MAT you transport; namely Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid. When asked, the EPA said it was a "strong corrosive agent". When we asked both the American Chemical Society and the American Chemical Manufacturer's Association, they both replied that it was one of the ten most dangerous man made chemicals on the planet, due in part that it contains numerous free radicals: Chlorous (3), Chloric (7), Flourous (5), Flouric (2), Sulfates of Hydrogen, Sodium, Mercury 7-7-3, Phosphates of sodium and  chromium. In short, it will dissolve almost anything it comes in contact with except Lead, and certain silica based compounds, such as a very limited number of ceramics. Its boiling point is minus 137 degrees C. Scientists believe that at absolute zero, it will have the consistency of very thick paint. At 100% concentration, its vapor will peel the paint off of the side of a house at a distance of 1/3 mile. As far as shipping it in decommissioned nuclear fuel tank cars, the manufacturer had little choice. These cars a very thick alloy steel, and lined with Lead. However, test show that over a few months, the acid will migrate through the Lead in the way that water will seep through masonry.

The only safe way to deal with this stuff is to dilute it to a concentration of at least 100 PPM.

Now what do you say?

Ever concerned with safety in the workplace and a cleaner environment, the concerned management team at the Lackawanna Terminal asked the "Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Safety in the Workplace Self Empowerment Committee" to check with the fine chemists employed at the Depew, NY facility of the National Chemical and Refining Corporation. They confirm all your findings as to the potent nature of the chemicals you describe. They say, however, that the addition of the Neurotic Free Radical makes the solution so afraid to react with any other material that it becomes completely docile and thereafter safe enough to drink. In fact, only the smallest amount, less than 5 PPM, is required to tame the most dangerous of solutions because the newly created solution's fear of getting involved with it's environment grows upon itself to the point where it actually makes surrounding chemical solutions inactive as well.

While the Neurotic Free Radical was created in the 1960s during the development of mind altering chemicals, it was the invention of totally new "Free Radical Social Integration Technology" that allowed the new use of this Neurotic Free Radical that won the chemists at NC and R a Nobel Prize for Chemistry.

In fact, the Neurotic Free Radical could be used to clean up every Toxic Waste Site in the world had not the NC and R accounting department placed such a high price on the Neurotic Free Radical that not even the G7 nations could afford to purchase it. This "radically" new concept of taking an incredibly important scientific discovery and making it too expensive to use was presented in a paper delivered at the annual meeting of  The American Association of Certified Profitable Accountants. The paper, titled "The Manipulation of the Free Radical and its Eventual Conversion into the Value Added Radical", received seven standing ovations during the presentation. NC and R Corporation is justly proud of the fine employees working diligently in the accounting department..

While we understand your concern for the environment and unhealthy chemical additives in consumer products we hope that you will be reassured, as we are, of the safety and quality of the products developed by the environmentally conscious people of NC and R.

As to the deterioration of the shipping vessels used to transport the Hydro-Chloro-Flouro-Neurotic Acid, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway tests it's rolling stock in accordance with AAR regulations and the car department assures us that all the equipment described as used Nuclear Fuel Transportation Vessels are in excellent condition and present no hazard either to the workers, the environment, or the public at large.

Again, we thank you for your concern and hope this answers all your questions about the products transported by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

13. OK, how do you explain that, per month, all calls to your Internet Provider except 5 or 6, are to deepdarkdesires.com? And why are the calls made to fantacies_r_us.com from your home billed to the RR's IP account?

In order to maintain reliable communications for the safety of our employees on the property, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway acquired  the communications company, Marconi Wireless, Inc. Two of that company's component parts were deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com. While the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team does not advocate pornography on the World Wide Web, these two components of the newly acquired Marconi Wireless, Inc. have, in fact, been quite profitable for the company and the income from these two enterprises has allowed the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to expand it's communications net to cover the entire system with the finest, most costly equipment available.

In order to best monitor the profitability of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's resources, the company has ordered it's managers to maintain a constant watch on deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com and have added these two web sites to the startup programs of all the computers in the corporate private offices so that they come up when the computers are started every morning.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team continues to monitor these two assets on a daily basis. It is interesting to note that since these web sites were added to the corporate computers, managers have been coming to work earlier and staying considerably later than is considered normal or prudent. We consider this abnormal interest in the business aspects of the corporation, on the part of it's employees, to be an advantage our competitors do not possess.

When the corporate stockholders of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway learned of our new holdings, they insisted that our communications department add the two web pages to the computer startup programs in their corporate offices as well so that they could keep better track of their holdings. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team was only too happy to comply with this request.

14. I suppose that the appearance of a  stretch limousine, with blacked out windows and the license plate BIMBOSRUS, at the LT corporate HQ at about 11:00 PM each night, whisking away from 2 to 5 Lackawanna Terminal Railway's management types and returning between 3 and 5 AM in the morning, is part of some grand scheme to increase productivity and boost employee moral?

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team is always vigilant in its efforts to weed out unprofitable divisions within the company and, in fact, spend many hours beyond the normal workday doing so. With the recent acquisition of Marconi Wireless, Inc., the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team have been keeping a close watch on two of Marconi's, supposedly,  most profitable assets: deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com (see explanation above concerning these two new profit centers).

Since these two organizations are recent additions to the Lackawanna Terminal Family, the Management Team considers it imperative that they visit the facilities where deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com are produced for a first hand look at the methods and techniques used in providing the pictures and sound that seem of such great interest to their subscribers. This explains the many trips to the Lackawanna Terminal Conference Center where the communications facilities have been moved. The members of the LT Management Team have become intimately involved in these new projects and report that the Lackawanna Terminal Corporation has truly made a wise purchase.

The reason for the management team's late hours at the deepdarkdesires.com and fantacies_r_us.com facilities is their never ending dedication to the company which allows them to visit the new facilities only after their normal work hours. The limousine you mentioned is provided by Marconi Wireless, Inc. as a courtesy to the Management Team and is considered a classy touch by the Lackawanna Terminal management.

Yes, morale is extremely high on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

15. Answer this, Mister We Are The Captains of Industry!

Through the diligent efforts of our mole, buried deep within the bowels of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Archive Destruction, we have uncovered the LT's crass disregard for the public welfare as demonstrated by the following letters and interoffice memos. How do you, Mister Pure of Heart, justify such ill treatment of children by the LT management and the cover up so grossly mishandled?

Dear Mr. Railroad President:
      Can I please have a cab ride? I promise I'll be quiet and not  ask the engineer if I can blow the horn or other stuff.

    Thank you very much.

    Little Billy
 

Dear Little Billy:
    Thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Before we can allow you to ride in the cab of one of our big locomotives we have to be sure that you are grown up enough. Please send us a picture of you. . .and your mommy. Only then can we determine if you are big enough.

Sincerely,
Mr. Railroad President
 

To Mr. Railroad President, from the law offices of Dooey, Suem, and Howe:

Dear Sir:

    Our office has been retained, with an extremely large stipend, to represent the family of Billy, his mommy, and daddy, with regard to little Billy's request for a cab ride on a locomotive of your railroad.
    Unless some kind of agreement can be reached regarding said request for the aforementioned cab ride, my clients will pursue the only available means at their disposal, i.e. a suit filled by mommy and daddy for Little Billy, a minor; a suit filled by mommy, a suit filled by daddy, and a suit filled jointly by mommy and daddy.
    Little Billy's suit contends that due to the sharpness, lack of sensitivity, and the overbearing tone of your reply, he is now afraid to watch his Thomas the Tank Engine videos account Mr. Toppam Hat reminds him of you. The mere mention of Mr. Hat sends Little Billy running, screaming with fear from the room. He now has nightmares where Mr. Hat tries to beat him with an umbrella. His parents fear that this emotional scar will take years of very expensive therapy to cure, if a cure is possible.
    A suit, when filed by mommy, contends that your request of a picture of Little Billy constitutes admission of you being a pedophile, as why else would an adult male want a picture of a preadolescent male. Her suit will also contend that the photograph, as requested, should also include her. As a result of this request, she has become overwhelmed with fear, and she is now sexually dysfunctional. She feels that this picture, should you ever come to posses it, would be tantamount to stalking. She fears that when you would look at the picture, you would undress her with your eyes, and God only knows what else. The possibility exists that you would pass the photograph around to your friends.
    Daddy's suit will contend that, due to his wife's sexual dysfunction, he is being deprived of the physical love of his wife, and the attendant emotional and physical complications, that will require many years of expensive therapy.
    The suit to be jointly filled by mommy and daddy will name your railroad, you, your employees, your vendors, their employees, your customers, their employees, their vendors, their employees, any local, state, and federal employees of any railroad regulatory agencies that have anything to do with you, your railroad, its successors, and/or assigns, as correspondents in their marriage becoming dysfunctional.
    While we wish to avoid litigation at all costs, we must also protect the interests of our clients.

Looking forward to your reply,

Patrick Suem
Junior Partner,
Dooey, Suem, and Howe
 

CONFIDENTIAL INTEROFFICE MEMO FROM THE DESK OF LIONEL HOWE:

Dear Mr. Suem:

    You imbecile! While I realize that you did not sign the above letter to the corporate offices of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, it is obvious to all in the firm that you are responsible for this tome of contemptible pettifoggery.
    The next time you file one of our infamous frivolous lawsuits, please check to see which law firm represents the accused. It will interest you to know that the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe also represents the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation. Need I explain further that pursuit of this legal action will cost the firm millions of dollars in lost business?
    Therefore, as senior partner of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe, I am instructing you to immediately inform the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy that this organization can no longer represent them in this suit. Furthermore, in order to avoid entanglements from any future litigation brought against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway by any future representatives of the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy, you are to immediately begin writing a brief in defense of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway based on:

1. The voluntary nature of the request for a cab ride by the complainant

and,

2. The immensely reasonable request by the railroad for a picture of Little Billy and Mommy so as to closely estimate little Billy's height and  weight relative to an adult whereby the railroad can determine Little Billy's suitability as a cab ride candidate therefore eliminating the expense of Little Billy's family traveling to a terminal of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway only to find that the child does not meet the company's stringent but reasonable conditions for riding in a locomotive cab. If the aforementioned persuasive arguments in favor of dropping the suit against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation are not successful, you are authorized to show the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy the photographs taken by our investigative bureau chief, Mr. Marcus Sade, showing:

1. Mommy exchanging money with three lesbians at the Transvestite Bar

2. The photos of Daddy in bed with an overweight bimbo and her grade school dropout husband after the "Bikers from Hell" motorcycle rally in Ypsilanti, Michigan while he was on a "business" trip

and,

3. The photos of Little Billy boffing the neighbor's cat.

    I am sure that you will be able to persuade the family of Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy that further action against the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Corporation would be detrimental to all concerned and that their best interests would be served by dropping the suit and moving to a rural and extremely isolated part of some third world country.
    The partners of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe, especially your uncle, the Honorable Chief Justice Horatio Suem, retired, will be watching your progress in this matter and we are certain that you will be able to bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion.

Give my love to your mother,

Lionel

The Management Team of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is shocked and dismayed that such correspondence would come to be public knowledge but, since there is no proof that these letters and interoffice memos are anything but falsely fabricated lies to embarrass the Lackawanna Terminal's management and employees, we deny their existence utterly.

To prevent the further spread of such prevarication, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team has assigned it's chief investigative officer, Lt. Marcus Sade, to weed out the disloyal employee responsible for this deceit. To further put a lie to the above letters, Lt. Marcus Sade traveled to Little Billy's residence and discovered that Little Billy's neighbor does not even have a cat but rather owns a small dog so shy it runs away whenever small children approach. This type of dog has been described by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Employee Assistance Program Psychologist as one which would never participate in the activities described in the letters displayed above.

While it is not the responsibility of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway to make restitution for any emotional stress resulting from the disingenuous release of these false documents, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team  has offered Little Billy, Mommy, and Daddy jobs at our most recently acquired profit centers, deepdarkdesire.com and fantacies-r-us.com as our way of making amends for this outrage perpetrated upon them by, as yet, unknown scoundrels. We are happy to announce that the whole family has accepted our offer and we welcome them warmly into our LT family.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

16. I see that Mount Morris, New York, once a bucolic country setting, is now home to an intrusive, sprawling, noise and pollution producing intermodal terminal. Congratulations! You have turned Mount Morris from a one horse town into a three horse town!
                                                        - Otto Vondrak, Rochester Institute of Technology

Actually, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway never intended to develop an intermodal terminal at this location. In fact, when representatives from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Industrial Development and Regional Cooperation Department's Industrial Site Selection Committee visited Mount Morris they were so impressed with the clean, healthy environment and the warm, friendly people that they immediately placed Mount Morris on the top of their list for a toxic waste dump.

Unfortunately, the toxic waste dump distribution list was controlled by the good folks at National Chemical and Refining so the next best alternative was to place a huge intermodal yard smack in the center of the little burg so that the citizens could reap the benefits of a major new employer bringing in high paying jobs (which broadened the area's economic base), traffic congestion, diesel exhaust emissions, and the attendant high noise levels 24 hours a day.

All this plus the constant arrival and departure of trains during the night, the switching of long cuts of intermodal freight cars across local streets during the morning and evening commute times, and the opening of two dozen honky tonk bars on main street has added much to the lifestyles of the fine citizens of Mount Morris.

Those of us on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Industrial Development and Regional Cooperation Department's Industrial Site Selection Committee are proud to note that, since the development of the intermodal terminal, the incidents of homicide, aggravated assault and other acts of violence within the town of Mount Morris and it's surrounding communities now rank second only to Washington, DC.

It may also interest you to know that the title "three horse town" is no longer appropriate since the three horses you refer to in your obviously derogatory comments toward this quiet community were tragically killed when they wandered into the path of a departing LT intermodal freight train.

The members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Industrial Development and Regional Cooperation Department's Industrial Site Selection Committee are justly proud that the implementation of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's industrial base expansionist philosophy expounded in our corporate manual titled, "Extreme development is good for you" once again benefits a community in need.

17. Speaking of Toxic Waste Dumps, isn't it true that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway offered to donate a parcel of land to the City of Buffalo to build a new hockey arena and that this land is on the EPA's "Most Dangerously Toxic Waste Dump" list (a list so exclusive that the only other site included is the Chernobyl Nuclear Reactor building and adjacent grounds located in the former Soviet Union)? In addition, is it not true that this parcel of land is so polluted that the EPA has determined that the only means of properly cleaning the site is to explode a nuclear device in the middle of the dump? What do you say to that, FAQ Man?

Ever mindful of the appropriate use of mass transit for moving large groups of people and, therefore, the growing imperative for mass transit in urban locations, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team felt that a sports arena located adjacent to railroad property would provide a convenient, low impact, environmentally friendly way for fans to see their favorite teams in competition.

To this end, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Community Sports and Exposition Arena Location and Development Committee, in cooperation with the City of Buffalo Council for the Improvement of Revenues, chose a little used parcel of land located next to the property of the Buffalo Baby Food Company, a valued customer of the railroad and producer of the finest baby food products available on the market today.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Community Sports and Exposition Arena Location and Development Committee, after reading editorials critical of the railroad's legitimate offer to the community of Buffalo in several local papers, offered to investigate the claims that the property is unsuitable for development due to the highly toxic nature of waste material stored there. At the time of the offer, the Committee was unaware that the Buffalo Baby Food Company stored byproducts from the manufacture of their wholesome products at the location selected for the sports arena. In order to clean away any unsubstantiated claims of fraud or smoky specters of deceit, the Committee immediately ordered samples from the property taken to the good people at National Chemical and Refining for analysis.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Community Sports and Exposition Arena Location and Development Committee, after receiving the results of the tests conducted by our good friends at the National Chemical and Refining Company is happy to announce that the chemicals claimed by so many highly respected scientists and environmental groups to be extremely toxic are nothing more unsavory than products found every day in the average home. It was simply the long chemical names of the materials that caused normally intelligent and well meaning individuals and groups to become alarmed.

In fact, the Buffalo Baby Food Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of the El Habad Baby Formula Company of Baghdad has assured the Lackawanna Terminal Railway that they thoroughly test all products and materials that leave the building of the Buffalo Baby Food Company for wholesomeness and purity and would not allow any product or material to leave the building if it did not meet their strict quality control criteria. The fact that the Buffalo Baby Food Company bulk ships their products in Lackawanna Terminal's ex-Nuclear Regulatory Commission's recently decommissioned "spent nuclear fuel" tank cars has little impact on the facts of this case.

To help make the public aware of the Buffalo Baby Food Company's growing commitment to the community, the company has surrounded their Buffalo, NY facility with a crowd of chanting men, women and children, all of whom are employees or relatives of employee who work at the plant.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway considers the matter closed at this time.

18. Is it true that the Norfolk Southern Railway has attempted a hostile takeover of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway? And was the Lackawanna Terminal in anyway involved in the illegal fireworks display conducted last week in downtown Scranton?

The Management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has always considered the possibility that another railroad would want to acquire the assets of our Transportation Division. We were not aware, until recently, that the Norfolk Southern was so impressed with our profitability and management philosophy that they would pursue a hostile takeover of the railroad.

For those who might not understand what we are referring to when we talk about "hostile takeovers" let me briefly explain:

There are several methods by which one company can acquire another, the most pernicious of which is the "hostile takeover". A "hostile takeover" occurs when the CEO of one corporation, with the concurrence of the Board of Directors, authorizes the purchase of another corporation's stock (using profits which should legitimately be dedicated to the growth and improvement of the profit making company) in order to place his friends on the Board of Directors of the newly controlled company. These friends naturally elect the CEO of the purchasing corporation to head the new corporation so that he may reap obscene profits from stock options and other perks authorized by his friends, the Board of Directors. The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team does not participate in, nor does it condone, such business practices.

Then, there is the Norfolk Southern Railway...

The Norfolk Southern pursued a more disingenuous tactic then is usually accepted when mergers or acquisitions are sought. In fact, not until the front doors of our offices in downtown Scranton, Pennsylvania were blown off their hinges did the full impact of their desires fall upon us (along with most of the ceiling).

That is correct, the Norfolk Southern Railway launched a vicious frontal assault on the headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The attack was conducted by a squad of NS hired mercenaries known as the Cho-to-mate Division of the Red Cell "Terrorists Are Us", Inc. We know these mercenaries worked for NS because they all had University of Virginia class rings on their fingers.

The battle started at 11:30 PM (interrupting the start of the very popular program, "People Do People", which is seen on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway communications subsidiary, Fantasies_are_us.com Television Network) and lasted throughout the night leaving many of the attackers dead or wounded. The attack was only just beaten off though the extremely valiant efforts of Lt. Marcus Sade and his company of Lackawanna Terminal Police officers using riot gear, armored personnel carriers, and heavy weapons. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's police force was assisted by members of the National Chemical and Refining Company "Quick Reaction Swat Team" accompanied by NC&R Kiowa Attack Helicopter Squadron Two which arrived just minutes after the commencement of hostilities.

Lackawanna Terminal Railway Police and employee casualties are considered light and all injuries were immediately taken care of in the Lackawanna Terminal Headquarters infirmary by our dedicated staff of nurse practitioners. These injuries are not considered "on the job" injuries as defined by the Federal Railway Administration and are therefore "non reportable" to the Federal Government.

The continuation of this "hostile takeover" was finally thwarted when a commando team led by Lt Marcus Sade stormed the headquarters of the Norfolk Southern Railway in Norfolk, Virginia taking captive a viperous nest of conspirators lodged deep within the bowels of the NS headquarters building. The Norfolk Southern Railway denies any connection between the devious plotting of these malevolent conspirators and it's normal business practices. The management of the Lackawanna Terminal has no reason to doubt the fine leaders of the Norfolk Southern Railway and considers the matter closed at this time.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway is also unaware of any fireworks program that was scheduled last week in downtown Scranton.

19. Is the Lackawanna Terminal Railway stock publicly or privately held?  If the stock is publicly traded,  what is the symbol and market?

                                                               - (Name withheld)
Dear Unnamed Person:

Thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. We here at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction are pleased that you are interested in the corporate structure that surrounds and protects the Lackawanna Railway's Terminal Management Team from gratuitous government meddling and frivolous lawsuits by private individuals. The usual correspondence we receive relates to the color schemes of our motive power, requests for cab rides, and other fatuous interrogatories.

It will interest you to know that all Lackawanna Terminal Railway stock is owned by a privately held holding company called Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. headquartered in Suva, the capital city of the Fiji Islands. The Corporate headquarters is based there due to the low tax rate for foreign investors and a close working
relationship with Fijian authorities engendered by gifts and blatant cash payoffs. You might also be interested to know that, due to the dedicated nature of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. shareholders and corporate officers, the annual shareholder's meetings held during January and February on the Island of Fiji are always well attended.

Each year, as much as a week or two before the meetings, the entire fleet of Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. corporate jets can be seen streaming into Fiji International Airport with enthusiastic corporate "movers and shakers" while limousines, supplied by fantasies_are_us.com (a division of Marconi Wireless) wait patiently to whisk the shareholders and corporate officers to their luxury suites atop the Fiji Hilton in Suva.

This important business conference usually lasts three to four weeks as many difficult decisions concerning the running of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway must be made while all the shareholders are gathered in one place. But lest you get too concerned about the spiritual and corporeal welfare of the good people who control the future of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, rest assured that all participants are assured rest. No decision affecting the future of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway will be made in haste, without proper rest, or with an incapacitated intellect.

Entertainment to soothe the weary mind and flagging body is flown in from the LT Corporate Headquarters in Scranton, PA courtesy of our newest profit center, Deepdarkdesires.com (a division of Marconi Wireless). No expense has been spared to assure that those who make the difficult decisions are well rested and properly
entertained by our well trained hosts and hostesses so that the tough corporate decisions can be made with a clear mind and refreshed body.

Last year nearly all of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's 237 Vice Presidents were in attendance as well as all of their secretaries. Due to the extremely tight schedule of meetings and exhaustive "business, first, last, and always" nature of the proceedings (most of which often last late into the night and oft times end up in the participant's private suites), employee's wives are not encouraged to attend these conferences.

The future of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has never been better thanks to the concerned officers and shareholders of Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. and it's wholly owned subsidiary, The Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

We hope that we have sufficiently explained the complex corporate structure that supports the good people at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Proper flow charts showing the complexity of stock manipulations, profit diversion, and regulatory agency payoffs are available for inspection at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Corporate
Headquarters in Scranton, Pennsylvania. To view these corporate treasures, please call The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction for an appointment.

Sincerely,
Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Denial and Archive Destruction

20. Dear Mr. L. T. President:

    Although its been a while since we corresponded, it doesn't mean we haven't been watching you. Quite the contrary, we are amazed at the rapid growth the LT is experiencing. Lots of traffic to haul in the shiny new cars, pulled by lots of shiny new engines.
    Interesting thing about your new cars. A check of the National Equipment Register for the past eighteen months shows NO cars sold to, transferred to, or rebuilt by the LT. There is no record of the LT purchasing former lease cars. There is no record of the LT having purchased any new cars, either outright or by adding on to an existing order, as reported to us by the nation's car builders. We have checked with the U. S. Customs, and they report no importation of any rail freight rolling stock. We even went so far as to check with the nation's steel producers, and they report no specialty steel shipping anywhere. And just to be sure, your shop employees, off the record, of course, report nothing more than hundreds of gallons of paint, and some LT stencils in the shop. No major rehab work.
    So, our question to you is, if you're not purchasing new freight cars from Athearn or Walthers, from whom are you stealing your new freight cars?
                                                                           Inquiring Reporter
(To answer this question we have enlisted the aid of Paul Tupaczewski, president of the newly formed Lackawanna Terminal Railway Technical and Historical Society)

Dear Inquiring Reporter,

We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Technical and Historical Society, have seen through your nefarious attempts to "uncover" what you believe is the dubious appropriation of newly acquired railroad rolling stock. We, the members of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Technical and Historical Society, would like to put to rest forever these same unfounded attempts at slandering the fine name of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway since your allegations, if proven to be true, would, at the very least, require the attention of a Grand Jury. You may, however, rest assured that the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society has thoroughly researched the genealogy of all the Lackawanna Terminal's locomotives and rolling stock. We hope that we can address your concerns below.

As you are no doubt aware, rail traffic over the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has been rising at a staggering rate due, in part, to improvements in the economy, but mostly due to the tightly controlled management of everyone's favorite railroad, by highly skilled transportation professionals. This increase in traffic has required the LT to look for ways to increase it's freight car fleet to handle the burgeoning demand put on it.

The reasons your exhaustive research has not disclosed the origins of the Lackawanna Terminal's new freight cars are several:

1. The LTT&HS uses the "Official Railroad Equipment Register", or ORER, which is the industry standard. The reference work you must be referring to is the one used by that group of made up railroads in the Midwest (Appalachian Something or Other, you know, that one with the Something and Ohio, Virginia middle of Somewhere, and Allegheny Someplace) and is therefore less than accurate for the purposes you pursue.

2. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway has a highly skilled shop force, with well paid, skilled laborers with a penchant for burritos. Our new cars were built in house to the most exacting industry standards. The reason the shop workers reported no rehabilitation work in progress is because the Lackawanna Terminal Railway freight car rebuild program is broken down into such small components that the workers seldom know what type of equipment they are working on. It is also possible they didn't understand your English dialect. In any case, the names and addresses of these employees have been duly noted by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Importation and will be dealt with as appropriate.

3. The reason you have not noted any steel being imported into the United States for the building of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's freight car fleet is that the LT firmly believes in "Made in the USA" and therefore contracts with the fine management and employees at the Stradivarius Steel (a division of Athenia Steel) plant  in West Corning, NY to fill it's requirements for the appropriate steel products. This also answers the question as to why no major steel manufacturer has orders from the Lackawanna Terminal for steel product suitable for freight car construction.

4. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway is also outsourcing many of it's freight car acquisition contracts and  has been coordinating much of this work with the La Salle & Bureau County Railroad.

Any other speculation as to the  origin of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's freight car fleet would be vacuous.

We thank you for your interest in the Lackawanna Terminal. May we suggest a membership in the LTT&HS to further expand your knowledge in this exciting and progressive railroad system?

        - Paul R. Tupaczewski
          President, LTT&HS

21. Dear Mr. RR President:

    Those of us in the Special Interest Press who toil endlessly, and without great monetary reward, for the truth are astounded and appalled at your latest attempt to explain away your continuing business practices as sound and honest.
    Now, it appears, you have enlisted the aid of innocent railfans, in the form of the members of the, as yet to be formed LTT&HS, taking advantage of the unbridled enthusiasm and boundless energy of these well intentioned people to proclaim for all the world that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is a company that has the best interests of its employees and customers alike, at heart.
    It is unfortunate that Mr. P. Tupaczewski, upon whom you have bestowed the dubious honor of President of the, as yet to be created Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society, and obviously an ardent supporter of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, has innocently allowed himself to be caught up in this reprehensible and unimaginative prevarication. Your public relations staff must spend endless hours in the centrifuge at the Johnson Space Center in Houston just to get on your team of apologists and "spin professionals".
    We, the members of the underpaid and overworked Special Interest Press feel that the truth of the matter is that your use of the, as yet to be created Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society, is nothing more than another vehicle from which you will continue to advance the cause of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's criminal business practices. So far you have succeeded in duping the public but you will find those of us impecunious and languorous members of the Special Interest Press are not fooled or intimidated by your actions.
    The fact, uncovered surreptitiously by our undercover sources deep within the bowels of the Lackawanna Terminal headquarters in Scranton, PA, that the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society President has an office in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Headquarters Building next to, and directly connected with, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway Department of Archive Destruction and that the President of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society is a full time employee of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and a board member of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd with access to the highest levels of management as well as access to the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's Corporate 747 only proves that the, as yet to be formed LTT&HS, will be just another vent, from which more corporate bile will flow generously over the unsuspecting public.

Is there no limit to the depth of your shallow, crass arrogance?

Apparently not.

    We, the members of the penurious and hebetudinous Special Interest Press, while carefully reviewing the answers to our question regarding the "acquisition" of your new freight cars are also waiting for the latest disingenuous response to the charges we have outlined concerning the relationship between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and their puppet organization, The Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society.

                                                                                           With kindest regards,
                                                                                           The Inquiring Reporter

Dear Inquiring Reporter:

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team and the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway want to thank you for your expression of sincere solicitude in the matter of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's business practices, i.e., the procurement of railroad rolling stock as well as the relationship between the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society. We understand that no business is above scrutiny and so we will endeavor to answer your inquiries in two parts:

1. Let me assure you and both of your devoted readers that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway requires, and always expects, it's employees to adhere to the most stringent policies where business ethics is concerned and would like you and both of your devoted readers to remain assured that the Lackawanna Terminal management and their employees have done nothing remotely suspect in any phase of the procurement of completed freight cars, or materials and subassemblies required for the construction thereof.

In an effort to prove to the Special Interest Press that all Lackawanna Terminal Railway business practices are honest and above board we have invited the Publishers and Editors of all the leading Special Interest Press publications to our Scranton, PA. Conference Center where the staff of the Conference Center, run by the good folks at deepdarkdesires.com and Fantacies_r_us.com, will hold a week long symposium during which all aspects of the Lackawanna Terminal's business practices will be demonstrated and discussed at length. Once again, due to the expected long hours and strictly business nature of this symposium, the wives of the Publishers and Editors will be discouraged from attending this most serious meeting.

After the symposium is concluded, those of the invited Publishers and Editors who remain unconvinced of the railroad's irreproachability will be flown to the headquarters of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. in Suva, the Capital of the Fiji Islands, in the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. Corporate 747 to view all the relevant documents stored by the Department of Denial and Archive Destruction so that there will remain no doubts concerning the ethical business practices of any of the subsidiaries of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. Since we understand that this month long investigation will be arduous for those participating, our trained and experienced staff of men and women will be on call twenty four hours a day to help in any way they can to ease the burden of these hard working ombudsmen/women.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management and employees are absolutely certain that the final report to the industry given by the Publishers and Editors of the Special Interest Press on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's business practices will show conclusively that they are pure as natural spring water.

2. We understand completely the cynicism the Special Interest Press has toward the creation of the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society and so we would like to talk briefly about the origins, purpose, and relationship they, and their leadership, have with the management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

The LTT&HS was formed in the late seventies when railfans finally figured out that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway was going to be around for a while. Their self imposed mission was to document the history, motive power, rolling stock, and all aspect of the Lackawanna Terminal's physical plant and make that information available to all interested parties. They are registered in the states of New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania as a not-for-profit organization.

The management of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, always interested in the preservation of historical facts and memorabilia, immediately embraced the organization and arranged for the group to lease, for a nominal fee, an office in the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's headquarters building in downtown Scranton, PA. The group accepted our offer with enthusiasm.

While it is true that the LTT&HS is housed next to the Department of Denial and Archive Destruction, they are located thus solely to simplify the identification and preservation of important documents and not, as you infer, for the priming or the warping to our ways of the innocent and enthusiastic railfan community so as to fulfill some imagined obscurantistic plot.

The fact that the president of the LTT&HS is an employee of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway should come as no surprise. During his close business relationship with the Lackawanna Terminal management, he has demonstrated an expertise in areas which we found would be beneficial to the growth and preservation of the railroad. Because of his strong business acumen, and his close ties with organized crime, we have promoted him to manager of the Corporate Cafeteria, also known as the "High Heels Catering Club", which is located on a narrow side street near the headquarters building. The "High Heels Catering Club" is a wholly owned subsidiary of deepdarkdesires.com and is a popular after hours establishment with a restful atmosphere where the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's top executives gather after normal working hours to discuss the events of the day and plan the next day's business while dining in a relaxing, candlelit environment, sipping copious amounts of liquid libations and absorbing prodigious amounts of powdered productivity enhancers, with live entertainment to ease the stresses of the day. The Lackawanna Terminal Management Team finds that executives visiting the "High Heels Catering Club" after work go home refreshed and relaxed after a long day of battling the dark forces of competition which seek to destroy the fine company we have worked so hard to establish and nurture over these long and hard years.

Part of the mission of the "High Heels Catering Club" is to cater the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, LTD's Corporate 747 and other company planes as well as the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Inspection Train which is seen frequently plying the rails with Corporate officers, Customers, and Government officials who wish to get a better understanding of the operations of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. To this end, the president of the LTT&HS, in his function as manager of the "High Heels Catering Club"  must have access to all the Corporate equipment and facilities. This access benefits the Society in many obvious ways.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Management Team believes this relationship between the two organizations to be symbiotic in nature and encourages close communications between the two for the benefit of both. We consider the matter closed at this time.

22. Dear Lackawanna Terminal Railway Freight Claims Department, et. al.,

    I have come into possession, by way of mutual friends, a piece of  "railroadiana"; an actual "Bad Order" form from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, dated October 12, 1998. It notes that loaded R&IT Box 10783 destined for Electro-Abrasives in Hamburg (Buffalo), NY, was set out by the Lackawanna Terminal crew for a hi/lo coupler. It is signed by an inspector S. Kay, and notes that the car was repaired November 5, 1998. I write as a drooling, raving railfan to inquire if the LTT&HS can authenticate this document for me.
    I also write on behalf of our CMO (who has currently fled to his hometown in Pa.) inquiring why the Official Register shows the Lackawanna Terminal Railway fleet growing by one car, while our own fleet decreased by one. Also, why can't your claims clerk find our car in Buffalo, or anywhere on the line?

The good folks at Norfolk Southern offered their help in the matter, but we politely declined.

We humbly await your reply on this very urgent matter.

Otto Vondrak
VP R&IT RR Co.

From the Office of Legal Affairs
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
Scranton, PA

Dear Mr. Vondrak:

Thank you for your correspondence of 12/25/98. We regret not having responded sooner, however, the entire legal department was at a conference in Suva, the capital of the Fiji Islands, for the duration of Christmas week and, unfortunately, your correspondence was left out of the company mail that is forwarded to us every day by corporate jet. I will now try to answer the questions and concerns outlined in your letter.

First and foremost, all documents generated by employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway are, and remain, the property of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway into perpetuity or until such time as they are conveyed to the Lackawanna Terminal Technical and Historical Society for safekeeping. It is, therefore, illegal for you or anyone else to possess any documents generated by employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway unless those documents are forwarded to you as a part of such business as you may have occasion to conduct with the railroad. Since you say in your letter that you received a "Bad Order" form "by way of mutual friends" you obviously have come by this most important paperwork through illegitimate means and this being the case, the "Bad Order" form must be returned forthwith to the nearest office of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. The nearest Lackawanna Terminal Railway office is that of The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Freight Agent at #1 Coit Street in Rochester, NY.

The consequences for failing to return the aforementioned document as directed are severe and include arrest, imprisonment, a possible fine, and foreclosure on any property you might own now or in the future. Please believe me when I say that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs is prepared to initiate an order for your arrest and incarceration as well as commence legal proceedings against those from whom you say you received the document mentioned in your correspondence. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs is prepared to take this case to court before the end of the millennia and, therefore, will leave you no legal recourse but to comply with our request for the return of the form which you have surreptitiously obtained.

Now, as to the content of the "Bad Order" form you clam to have in your possession, the staff of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Legal Affairs has done extensive research into the subject of documents concerning the setting out of railroad freight equipment which does not meet the extremely high standards of the Lackawanna Terminal Mechanical Department and have determined that a freight car, #10873 of the Rochester & Irondequoit Terminal Railroad was interchanged to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway on 10/12/98. Upon inspection, the aforementioned freight car was refused in interchange due to many AAR mechanical violations including the "hi/lo" coupler problem. A "Bad Order" tag was affixed to the car and it was placed back on the outbound interchange track to be returned to the R&IT Railroad. In such a case, the car is considered to have never been received in interchange.

A check of the yard clerk's paperwork shows that the car was not included in a yard check taken the following day and therefore it was determined that the car was, in fact, picked up by an R&IT crew and not repaired on 11/5/98 as your form seems to indicate. No further information of the disposition of this car can be determined at this time. Please check the records of the R&IT Railroad  for more information as to the disposition of R&IT car #10873.

It is important to note at this time that the contents of car #10873, which was billed to Electro-Abrasives in Hamburg (Buffalo), NY, included bars of highly refined precious metals used in coating and plating processes and is considered of extreme high value. Since, however, the car was never officially received in interchange by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway cannot be held responsible in any way for the security of the car's contents.

To answer the final question in your correspondence, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is continually adding new equipment to it's growing fleet of freight cars as well as upgrading and rehabilitating old and obsolete freight cars so as to best serve an ever increasing number of important customers. That the "Official Register" shows an increase in Lackawanna Terminal Railway equipment should come to no surprise to those who have followed the growth of this vital regional railroad.

To determine why the Rochester & Irondequoit Terminal Railroad's car fleet has diminished by one, it is apparent that you must check with your Chief Mechanical Officer who seems to have absented himself during this most crucial time and in a most suspicious manner. It would be prudent for the officers of the R&IT police to check through the bank accounts as well as the credit card accounts of the R&IT Chief Mechanical Officer for aberrations in his or his family's normal spending habits. To this end, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Legal Affairs offers to the Rochester and Irondequoit Terminal Railroad the services of it's chief investigator, Mr. Marcus Sade to help solve the mystery of the missing car #10873 and it's cargo of precious metals.

We await your reply,
The Department of Legal Affairs
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

23. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

    The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's attempt at smoothing things over (re: the lose of Rochester and Irondequoit Terminal Railroad's boxcar #10783) with a digital Christmas card was not appreciated. We feel that your denominational greeting was insensitive and rude, and did not address the issue at hand.

    However, the executives of the R&IT would like to thank you for the female companions,  champagne, and use of the Party House last night. On behalf of the members of the Rochester and Irondequoit Terminal Railroad Executive Board, we would like to express our sincere thanks for the new sports cars (I didn't know that you could paint DeLoreans orange!).

Oh, and if that boxcar turns up, do let us know. Whatever.

Deliriously Yours,
Otto Vondrak
VP R&IT RR Co.

From the Office of Lt. Marcus Sade
Lackawanna Terminal Police
Criminal Investigation Division

Dear Mr. Vondrak:

The Office of Criminal Investigation is in receipt of a copy of an electronic Christmas card which was sent to the president of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. This card is a reproduction of the nondenominational Christmas card sent to all friends of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway as a token of the company's appreciation to those who have supported our efforts to improve the quality of transportation throughout the eastern seaboard.

The Office of Criminal Investigation would like to inform you that alteration of the masthead of the aforementioned electronic nondenominational Christmas card is a violation of several copyright laws and as such, sending the aforementioned modified electronic Christmas card over routes of public access such as ATT or similar electronic avenues of public access, violates several federal laws concerning improper use of those electronic routes of access.

Receipt of this letter is confirmation that you have been so informed.

Also be aware that the Office of Criminal Investigation is ready and willing to turn this case over to the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Federal Prosecutor for the City of Rochester, NY. Evidence will include, but is not limited to, photographs of naked men and women at an unauthorized, unsupervised, and totally illegal party at the "Party House", evidence of the ingestion of copious amounts of champagne which was traced to a shipment stolen in Brooklyn, NY during the month of October, a group of known prostitutes performing lascivious and totally illegal acts upon the persons of R&IT company officers, and arrest records for DUI, reckless driving, assaulting officers of the law, resisting arrest, interfering with a police officer in the performance of his duty, and several other felonious acts committed by several officers of the R&IT Railroad while driving Orange DeLoreans at high speeds through the streets of Greater Rochester.

For your information, the "Party House" you refer to in your correspondence was a private home that was vacant while the owners were on vacation. Damage estimates to the house and property exceed $250,000.00. The owners, who are major stock holders of Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd., are filing suit against the Rochester & Irondequoit Terminal Railroad and it's officers for repairs to their home and damage to their reputations in the neighborhood. The suit will ask for compensation in the neighborhood of $5,000,000.00.

We, at the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Division of Criminal Investigation hope the season finds you prosperous and in good health. If we can be of further assistance in this matter feel free to contact the Office of Criminal Investigation between the hours of 9:00 am and 9:35 am, Monday through Thursday.

Sincerely,

LT. Marcus Sade
Division of Criminal Investigation
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

24. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

    Thanks to the inquiry of Mr. O. Vondrak, and your feeble attempt to explain the non disappearance of  R&IT car # 10873, the members of the Special Interest Press have begun to sift through the mountain of  misleading, and often bordering on out and out  lies, statements you call fact, as we continue our search for the actual origin of your new  freight car fleet, we feel we are very close to, if not having found out, the true source of your  new cars.
    At the same time, we, the members of the Special Interest Press must offer a reluctant "thank you" to you, Mr. Railroad President, in that we, having learned through a most trusted, credible source very close to you, that you made reference to the fact that the members of the Special Interest Press, and I in particular, have  the attention span of a squirrel. As squirrels are very good at problem solving, we, the members of the Special Interest Press and I in particular, take that as a compliment of the highest order.

    And now, here are the results of our most detailed investigation, thus far, into the origin of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's new cars:

1. One of your biggest customers, if not your biggest customer, is the National Chemical and Refining Co. It is an immense complex. Just  looking at the track diagram, one would be overwhelmed at the number of  sidings, holding tracks, loading/unloading bays, and warehouses. It was the warehouses that got our attention and one in particular. Its the one with the siding running into it, surrounded by a double, 12 foot  high, topped by razor wire, chain link fence, that is conspicuously missing from said track diagram that caught our attention. Its the one that is off limits to all NC&R employees, except  a select few.

2. Now, we go to Saltillo, Mexico. Saltillo is a fairly large urban area, and is the location of a substantial NdeM rail facility. At the end of a long spur, that at first glance, appears to go through various abandoned lots and past crumbling factories, is an old tin building. This building is about the size of a large single stall engine house. At one end is a small office. All the windows are opaque, as
they appear to have never been cleaned. The building is surrounded by broken, rusting iron castings from machines that were never made. There are piles of rusting sheet metal. It looks as if the track hasn't been used in decades, as weeds and small trees have encroached upon the track. If the building was ever painted, it is impossible to tell. Above the office door is a sign with faded red lettering that says Fero-Mex. However, upon close inspection, the rails are shiny, indicating this track is used frequently.

3. In Paris, France, there is a company called Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie  D'Exportation, which roughly translates into "the makers of machinery for international export". (As an aside, for your information, the acronym L.A.I.M.E is pronounced "lame"). Do the names Isodor Dooey, Patrick Suem, and Lionel Howe sound familiar? They should, as they are the senior partners of the law firm the Lackawanna Terminal Railway retains: Dooey, Suem, and Howe. Interestingly, their respective trips to Paris, each one going several times each year, frequently aboard the Concorde, are mostly business, as they are board members of L.A.I.M.E.

4. L.A.I.M.E was incorporated in Costa Rica, has its headquarters in Paris, and has branches in Mexico, the Fiji Islands, and Tokyo. It owns no manufacturing facilities anywhere. It appears to be a holding company, that in reality, transfers titles of ownership of ships, cargo planes, large pieces of construction machinery, and railroad equipment between companies that own nothing, and whose ownership is almost impossible to trace on account of multi-layered stock transfers and interlocking directorates. Fero-Mex is one of these companies, although is does really have a manufacturing facility, such that it is.

    Here's how we, the members of the Special Interest Press believe the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has acquired at least one of its new cars:

1. R&IT car # 10873 was presented for interchange with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway at Buffalo, NY. The Bill of Lading states the car was loaded with "bars of highly refined precious metals". The car was allegedly refused on account of a mechanical defect, a "hi/lo" coupler, however, we, in fact, have information that suggests that the car was delivered to that obscure National Chemical & Refining warehouse, where it's precious metal cargo was removed, and replaced by barrels of lead shavings and other bits of scrap metal.

2. While the paperwork would indicate the car was left at the interchange on account of the reportable defect, in reality, the car was sent to Fero-Mex, where, its worthless cargo was removed, and the skilled craftsmen, touted by the president of the LTT&HS in earlier correspondence, rebuilt the car. The car emerged some time later from the shop/rusty tin building in gleaming Lackawanna Terminal Railway Maroon and Gray. These facts show that while the officials of the R&IT search for their car, it has been running on the rails literally right under their noses.

    If this is how one car wound up on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, its easy to see how the rolling stock of other railroads, especially Canadian, could end up on the Lackawanna Terminal Railway.

I eagerly await your reply.

Best wishes for a healthy, and prosperous New Year....
The Inquiring Reporter

Dear Mr. Inquiring Reporter:

Since you have supplied only vitriolic accusations and no proof of your claims, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway completely denies your denunciatory declarations as vacuous. The incidences which you view as diabolical are easily explained.

1. While there are many warehouses within the NC&R complex, the one to which you refer is, in fact, isolated from the rest and secured as you state. This is not, however, because precious metals are surreptitiously removed from freight cars as you accuse but rather because NC&R is continually involved in top secret projects in cooperation with the Federal Government. We cannot go further into the nature of these projects due to the adverse affect such discussions would have on the security of the nation. Suffice it to say that many great benefits are reaped by the people of this country through the exacting labor of the fine people at the National Chemical and Refining in Depew, NY.

2. The company you mention, Fero-Mex of Satillo, Mexico, is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Lackawanna Terminal Industries Ltd. and actually does some contract work for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. Fero-Mex was saved from bankruptcy by the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd. Industrial Development Division which viewed the impecunious corporation as a good investment for the future. Although the Fero-Mex facility appears to be quite rundown and perhaps a prime candidate for demolition, the employees within are hard working, honest family oriented men and women worthy of our financial and humanitarian support.

To this end, a small number of freight cars were sent to be rebuilt at their facility in Satillo, Mexico as a means of keeping the poor company afloat and their employees with continuing income until such time as the company could be incorporated into the Lackawanna Terminal, Ltd's plans for expanding the broader Satillo, Mexico economy with all the attendant tax benefits and tariff reductions accrued under the NAFTA agreement which took affect on January 1, 1994. This broad plan for the economic development of this region by the philanthropic visionaries within the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's corporate headquarters has both the concurrence and blessings of the governments of Mexico, Canada, and the United States.

You will be interested to note that the rundown condition of the Fero-Mex facility mentioned in your letter allowed the Lackawanna Terminal Industries, Ltd's Corporate Acquisition and Land Grab Division to acquire the entire Fero-Mex Company, it's facilities, employees, the employee's children, the entire customer data base, the corporate officer's Swiss bank account numbers, as well as control of Fero-Mex's secret hidden terrorist bases throughout the world in exchange for setting the previous owners up with a Taco Bell Express at the West Ridge Mall in Topeka, Kansas.

3. The car you saw and suggest was actually R&IT boxcar #10873 was, in reality, a car of similar color and type that was purchased by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway from a broker in Saltillo, Mexico and was originally owned by the NdeM as part of a fleet of cars leased from the Lackawanna Terminal Industries Ltd. freight car leasing subsidiary, Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation or L.A.I.M.E. This is a normal and completely innocent lease/purchase arrangement that is standard practice in industry world wide and not part of some nefarious international conspiracy as you would have the public believe.

4. The fact that employees of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe travel aboard the Concorde when enroute to Europe on business should come as no surprise to those savvy in the ways of international commerce as all the Concorde aircraft are owned by Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation and subleased to Air France and British Air. These supersonic transports are maintained for the airlines under contract with Les Ateliers Internationaux de Machinerie D'Exportation's aircraft maintenance division, Fero-Air, with offices and facilities in Coast Rica, the Fiji Islands, Paris, Mexico City, and Tokyo. This is a standard and economically sound business practice that has become common within the airline industry since the airlines were deregulated in the late 1970s.

We, at the Lackawanna Terminal Division of Denial and Archive Destruction hope that this honest and perspicacious explanation of several rather innocent coincidences will set your and the public's mind at rest. That the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has always had the public's and industry's best interests as the basis for all it's business decisions is without doubt and we thank you for the opportunity to clear the air of any specious claims you might have concerning our business practices.

Sincerely,
The Lackawanna Terminal Department of Denial and Archive Destruction

PS. None of the employees of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway would ever compare the thought processes of an inquiring reporter with those of a common squirrel for fear of arousing the ire of the ASPCA and other fine organizations intent on the preservation and amelioration of our natural indigenous wildlife.
 

25. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

The Depew Lancaster & Western RR Co. Inc. has no record of granting access rights to The Lackawanna Terminal Railway for the purposes of interchange with NS, CSX, and R&S at Buffalo. Please provide the LT's STB filing papers.

(Name withheld by request)
President
Depew Lancaster & Western RR Co. Inc.
 

Mr. (Name withheld by request)
President
Depew, Lancaster & Western RR Co, Inc.
8364 Lewiston Road
Batavia, New York 14020

Dear Mr. (Name withheld by request):

The Office of Legal Affairs of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is concerned that the management of the Depew, Lancaster and Western Railroad Company, Incorporated seems to have misplaced the documents concerning the ownership and aforementioned access rights on property rightfully owned by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway. As a result of this concern, the Office of Legal Affairs of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway has started an audit of all records concerning access to this property. The net result of that search confirms and justifies our claim that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is the rightful owner of all lines previously owned by the Delaware Lackawanna and Western Railroad that were merged into the Erie Lackawanna Railroad in 1960 and eventually destined to be transferred to the newly formed Consolidated Rail Corporation in 1976 and that, due to clauses uncovered during a records search of properties being transferred to The Consolidated Rail Corporation in 1976, led to the separation of the original Lackawanna Terminal Railway properties which had been leased to the Delaware, Lackawanna and Western Railroad by the Morris and Essex Railroad, the original founders and developers of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway properties.

The present Lackawanna Terminal Railway, the natural and legal successor to the original Lackawanna Terminal Railway, founded in 1875, was formed in 1976 and by 1977 had acquired, from the Consolidated Rail Corporation, all properties previously owned by the Erie Lackawanna Railroad Corporation, which had been a part of the original Delaware, Lackawanna and Western Railroad. The process of separation of properties, purchase of additional railroad assets, and approval of the formation of the completed Lackawanna Terminal Railway system by the Interstate Commerce Commission was concluded in such a rapid manner as to become a major topic of discussion among government officials and railroad managers throughout the United States and Canada. The ability of the Lackawanna Terminal Management Team to push the myriad of petitions through what is normally the glacial pace of government procedures has set a new standard for the processing of paperwork through agencies of the Federal government and has been the topic of three graduate courses at the Wharton School of Business, the Harvard School of Law, and a special six week advanced course taught to FBI agents at the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Advanced Investigative Methods School at Quantico, Virginia titled "Unsolved Crimes against the Federal Government", subtitled, "When Special Interest Becomes Terrorism". The Lackawanna Terminal Railway Management Team is justifiably proud of the past  accomplishments of it's members in the formation of this vital and progressive transportation company and will continue to support their good work in the future.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs had intended to forward to you copies of all the Interstate Commerce Commission files relating to the matter erroneously referred to in your letter as "STB filings" and in reference to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's access to what you consider to be property owned by the Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad. Unfortunately, after our research was completed, all files and other records relating to the Interstate Commerce Commission's findings vis a vis the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's petition and results were destroyed when vandals invaded the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction offices in Downtown Scranton starting a fire which raged through the file drawer containing the documents in question. When the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Denial and Archive Destruction petitioned the Federal Government's Office of Archive and Document Retrieval for copies of the appropriate filings and results it was discovered that the related documents on file in that office had also been destroyed in a totally unrelated, yet surprisingly similar, file drawer fire. As a consequence, we will be unable to forward these documents to you for your perusal.

During our research of the question posed in your correspondence of February 20, 1999, while we have found reference to the Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad in the office copy of "The Pocket List of Railroad Officials", we were unable to find your railroad's property noted on any official maps incorporating railroads in the Buffalo area leading the Office of Legal Affairs to conclude that your railroad, the Depew, Lancaster & Western, may, in fact, be operating on the property of the Lackawanna Terminal Railroad without benefit of trackage rights or other contracts of access and may have, in fact, been doing so since the inception of your railroad and that for all these years your crews, with the concurrence of the Depew, Lancaster & Western management, have been trespassing on property rightfully owned and operated by another railroad without that railroad's permission or knowledge. Such an illegal and extremely dangerous practice must be discontinued immediately. Legal action to procure a cease and desist order is now being drawn up by the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Legal Affairs with the assistance of the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe and will be delivered to your offices in Batavia, New York by special courier sometime in the first week of May.

Further research into the holdings of the Genesee Valley Transportation Corporation have found another railroad which is also operating without trackage rights or other contracts of access. This railroad, the Delaware-Lackawanna, has been operating freight and passenger trains over the rails of the Lackawanna Terminal Railway without permission or even the knowledge of the Lackawanna Terminal's Dispatch office. The danger inherent in such practices cannot be over stated and orders of cessation are being drawn up by our Office of Legal Affairs in conjunction with the law firm of Dooey, Suem, and Howe and will be processed through the Federal court system in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and served to the railroad at it's headquarters at 701 Wyoming Avenue, Scranton, Pennsylvania.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Office of Legal Affairs thanks you for your interest in the Lackawanna  Terminal Railway and we hope we have answered all you questions concerning the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's operations in the Buffalo Gateway area. If we can be of further assistance please do not hesitate to contact the Office of Legal Affairs, in writing and by special courier, between the hours of 9:00 am and 9:15 am, on any third Monday of any month.

Sincerely,
The Office of Legal Affairs
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
 

Mr. Steven Kay
Lackawanna Terminal Railway
1 Lackawanna Plaza
Scranton, Pennsylvania 18503

Dear Mr. Kay:

It has become painfully obvious that this dispute with the Depew, Lancaster and Western Railroad is now "out-of-hand" and that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is in need of a high technology consulting firm to:

#1. Determine the extent of Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad's usage of  trackage rights over the last decade;

#2. After determining the extent of usage, chart and summarize the revenue  that would have been derived, had the Lackawanna Terminal Railway known of the intrusion of the Depew, Lancaster & Western's trains;

#3. Report that calculation of usage to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Main Office Billing Department for use in constructing invoices to the Depew, Lancaster & Western Railroad for use of routes and trackage rights during the period in question (estimates in our initial phase of review indicates dollar values in the 7 digits); and

#4.  After hearing of this dispute, this consulting firm took it upon itself over the last two days, to send a representative to Batavia, NY and Lowville, NY where rumor has it, that equipment belonging to the Depew, Lancaster and Western has been in residence.  We have documented the equipment found and have taken pictures of this equipment and will turn these over to the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's crack Management Team (when our bill is paid) to enhance the efforts to confiscate them at a later date.

We appreciate the business (even, unsolicited business) from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway and hope the relationship will prosper over into the coming millennium.  Our bill is in the mail.

Very truly yours,

Jay Jordan
Chairperson
S&M Consulting (formerly Smoke and Mirrors Consulting), LLC.
(railroad consultants of choice)

PS: As a side note, we have found in our files, from previous work done for the Lackawanna Terminal Railway, copies of the missing (burned) documents that our consultants made during our last visit to your Main Office.  These copies will mysteriously disappear on receipt of your check for our latest efforts.  Thank you again for your continued business.

Dear Mr. Jordan:

Enclosed please find a check to cover the cost of services of your fine consulting agency. As in the past, the management and employees of S&M Consulting, LLC. have outdone themselves in the interest of their clients.

Thank you ever so much,

Steve Kay
President
Lackawanna Terminal Railway

PS: Your personal bonus check has been mailed and will arrive under separate cover.

26. Dear Mr. Railroad President:

    We are all aware of the problems that exist under current hour of service (HOS) regulations regarding fatigue and crew rest periods. For example, a crewman's rest period begins when he/she goes off duty and extends at least 8 hours to 10 hours depending on how long he/she has been on duty. At the end of this 8 or 10 hour "rest" the crew member must be ready to assume duty once again if so called. For a crewman who lives 1 and 1/2 hours from work, this leaves only 5 to 7 hours (minus the three accumulated driving hours) to rest. In reality, this "rest" period is usually expended on household obligations (taking the kids to the doctor, attending school activities, eating, servicing his/her car/spouse, etc.). The crewman returns to work and, whether or not he/she is actually without fatigue, must sign in on a legal document certifying that he/she is "rested" and able to complete whatever assignment he/she is called for. In this case, (and in many more than I would care to mention) the crewman may begin duty already at his/her physical or mental limit and at the edge of fatigue. For an industry whose unwritten law used to be "Safety First", this is not acceptable.
    I have inquired about what is being done to address the very real problem of these totally inadequate rest periods and the dangers of fatigue. I cannot reveal my source, but I have heard that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway is implementing a new series of rules and procedures which will rectify this problem.

What can you tell me about these upcoming improvements?

                                                                                                                                                 Thanks,
                                                                                                                                                 John Montenigro
                                                                                                                                                 Concerned Citizen

P.S. Please do not tell me about "naps". I understand that naps are allowed under certain conditions by certain railroads. I also understand that these conditions ignore whether the crewman is actually ready for the nap. Naps are a good concept, but are only implemented properly in day-care. The railroads have a lot of catching up to do in this area, so let's not even go there.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity is always looking at ways to make the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's train service employees more productive and to put cease to their constant whimpering and whining about, what they claim to be, a lack of adequate rest between assignments. A concern about proper crew rest arose after several major train wrecks across the nation which were prematurely blamed on "crew fatigue". The Federal Government has since been forced by citizen unrest to take a pro-active stance with regard to the question of operating employee's unrealistic concerns about "sufficient" rest. Enormous governmental and labor pressure has been placed on the nation's financially strapped railroad industry to find costly solutions to this "problem". To relieve your concern in this matter you should know that the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has conducted an intensive "in house" quest for the solution to what is considered by some industry experts to be an imagined concern. Other railroads were consulted to determine what techniques they were trying and what success they were having with solving this most difficult but necessary problem.

The results of this search for the best manner in which to deal with "crew fatigue" follows:

Solution #1: Napping

One of the remedies a major railroad has come up with for dealing with crew fatigue is "Napping" in which a member of the train crew, with the Dispatcher's permission, is allowed to take a "nap" on the train. This can only be done while the train is not moving and only one crew member can take a "nap" at a time and only for a forty five minute period. There are several obvious problems with this "Romper Room Solution" as any one who has tried to put down a four year old for a nap will readily attest. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has rejected this "solution" as being unrealistic.

It was also found that supplying the train crews with little bunny and ducky bedecked pillows and napping blankets was not only prohibitively expensive, the image of a grown man/woman lying on the locomotive cab floor sucking on his/her thumb while clutching his/her "security blanket" is not one which the Lackawanna Terminal Railway wishes to project to our customers.

Solution #2: The Dark Room

This response to the same problem, also proffered by a class one railroad, offered to set aside a "quiet" area where crews could go to sleep while waiting for their next assignment. The pay back from the government and the employees was that the railroad wanted the crews to be able to work fourteen hours instead of twelve hours before the expiration of the crew's hours of service. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity rejected this solution out of hand although they did recognize that certain answers to the problem of fatigue could be turned to the advantage of the company if the employees could be duped into thinking they were getting something for nothing.

The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity then looked into the possibility of "sensory deprivation tanks", where the employee floats naked in an enclosed egg shaped tank filled to a depth of about 15" with heavily salted water. These tanks would be placed at all layover points where the time spent in the tank would float away all stress while the employee listened to soft, soothing New Age music spiked with subliminal messages from the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity urging all to work harder for the benefit of the company. This idea was quickly abandoned when the Department of Employee Productivity was told that these tanks were the exclusive providence of deepdarkdesires.com and were used to ease the stress of upper management and those government and industry officials who would visit the Lackawanna Terminal Railway on business trips.

While no new or practical solutions to the problem of employee fatigue were discovered while talking to other railroads, the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Department of Employee Productivity has promised to continue exploring the possibilities which may be found to dwell in this area of employee exploitation.

Solution #3: Onboard Sleep Deterrents

In a tremendous, but wholly uncharacteristic, burst of creative experimentation, the Lackawanna Terminal Department of Employee Productivity, in cooperation with the Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Mechanical Department and the union representing the train crews, initiated a series of experiments involving a device containing a small mercury switch that is attached to a helmet worn by the employee. This device, which is sensitive to vertical head movement, is coupled to an electro-mechanical apparatus which, when placed on the head of the employee, senses the moment when the employee's head dips below a predetermined angle from the horizontal (such as when the employee starts to fall asleep while on the job). The device then energizes a relay which closes a contactor connected directly to an auxiliary generator coupled to the prime mover. This closed contactor completes a circuit which sends an electric current directly to electrodes imbedded in the seat upon which the employee sits. This electric current is just great enough to shock the employee into total wakefulness without damaging any vital body parts.

Well, that was the theory anyway. . . After three failed attempts to get the voltage and amperage down to the level where the employee stayed awake and yet was not fused to the seat, the experimental use of an auxiliary generator voltage was abandoned.

The next step in the experiment to use resources available on the locomotive was to tap the main reservoir pressure contained in the locomotive's air system. A huge air tank, called the main reservoir tank, is located under the frame of the engine and contains an enormous volume of air at 130-140 PSI. The Lackawanna Terminal Railway's Mechanical Department, at the urging of the Lackawanna Terminal Department of Employee Productivity, piped the output of this main reservoir air tank through a set of nozzles attached to the seat frames in the engine cab and a magnet valve to control the air flow was attached to the device that measures horizontal deviation as in the experiment using the locomotive's electrical system. Unfortunately, the mechanical department not only failed to remember that the seats were not permanently fixed to the seat frames but also failed to provide a reduction fitting to the pipe from the main reservoir.

When the device which detects the deviation from the horizontal activated the magnet valve, a tremendous blast of air at 140 Pounds per Square Inch launched the poor crewman head first through the ceiling of the locomotive cab. The force of the ejection was so severe that the employee completely, and quite unexpectedly, exited the locomotive. Since the subject employee was wearing a hard hat and safety glasses as required by the company Safety Department, no harm would normally have befallen him. Unfortunately, the experiment was being conducted inside the engine house and the employee, after leaving the confines of the cab, came into fatal contact with an overhead bridge crane.

A second test was immediately scheduled and a reduction fitting was installed in the air line to reduce the force of the air arriving at the nozzles. Unfortunately for the second test subject, he was also vertically ejected from the locomotive cab due to the fact that the reduction fitting was, in reality a smaller nozzle which actually increased the pressure of the air reaching the seat on which the employee was sitting. Fortunately, his line of flight formed a parabolic curve which caused him to miss the overhead bridge crane. Unfortunately, the rapid exit form the locomotive caused said test subject to immediately loose consciousness, suffer six months in traction at a local hospital after striking a horizontal lathe at a speed of over seventy miles per hour , sliding across a fourteen foot long tool laden work bench (setting it on fire due to the friction from his clothing), and spend the rest of his life with a head and neck cocked at a permanent 45 degree angle to his shoulders and scars over twenty percent of his body when all the fire extinguishers in the shop proved to be empty.

After initial experime